CHARLESTON, SC (Roto-Reuters News Service) - The city of Charleston, South Carolina filed a reparations lawsuit today against the United States government, charging that the loss of property the white citizens suffered in 1865 after the conclusion of the Civil War has cost the city billions of dollars over the last 141 years.
City Attorney Calhoun Rutledge Alston Pinckney, Jr. - usually called CRAP, Jr. by associates - said the lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court was a serious attempt to “finally hold the U.S. government liable for the damages caused by winning the War, and confiscating the property of our citizens.”
The lawsuit also names descendents of former Presidents Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, and General William Tecumseh Sherman, charging these men as being the most responsible for the damages inflicted upon Charleston. Lincoln because as president during the war he was the commander in Chief of the United State military. Grant and Sherman were named because they were the commanding generals at the conclusion of the war, and inflicted the most damage.
“We have no personal animosity against these families,” CRAP, Jr. stated, “but fair is fair. Since their ancestors caused the damage the family should be liable. If the cigarette companies are liable for the health risk their products inflict upon the consumer, if California can sue the automobile manufacturers for greenhouse gases, and if a woman can win a million dollars because the coffee was too hot, and if the descendents of slaves can sue the families of their former owners, why can't the good white people of Charleston get reparations for their loss?"
It was the amazing success of the so-called "9/11-Wright Brothers suit" that convinced CRAP, Jr., to file the Civil War reparation suit. The families of the 3000+ victims of the 9/11 terrorist attacks filed a class action suit against the family of Wilbur and Orville Wright claiming that "if the brothers had never perfected air flight, the 9/11 tragedy could have been averted."
CRAP, Jr. immediately contacted the lawyers of the 9/11 class action suit, South Carolina attorney Bill Green and former Presidential candidate, John Edwards. Upon their advice, the city decided to file the reparations suit.
Green and Edwards stood with Charleston mayor Hallman Biley behind CRAP, Jr. during the announcement. They were joined by more than 3000 local citizens who have voiced enthusiastic support for the lawsuit. Each male supporter was attired in a pale blue seersucker suit and carried a wooden walking stick. Each female in attendance wore a long white dress, tasteful hat and carried a parasol. They were also handing out buttons and bumper stickers that read: SOBs support CRAP!
After the announcement, this reporter asked Biley, "Sir, since the half cents sales tax money has been squandered paying for legal fees in the annexing battle with James Island, is this lawsuit not just an attempt to channel more funds into the black hole we call the Aquarium and to subsidize the phantom riders of CARTA ?"
Mayor Biley responded. “Absolutely not! As everyone knows, the Aquarium is Charleston's most visited attraction. It says so in the Brochure! And CARTA is fast becoming the standard for all mass transit systems in the world. Anyway, this lawsuit is NOT for the city, it is for the citizens. It is an attempt to repair a wrong. However, if this lawsuit is not successful in procuring money for our suffering citizens, we are investigating the possiblilty, through a little known loophole we have discovered, of annexing Washington, D.C. We have also discussed the possiblity of suing the Lord God Amighty for reparations due to the 1886 earthquake and the devastation of Hurricane Hugo in 1989. Three of our local Anglican ministers assure us they have a direct line to Him, and CRAP assures me we have a strong case.”
Attempts by this reporter to contact the Almighty for His comment have been so far unsuccessful, being Methodist instead of Anglican.
This reporter then asked the mayor: "Sir, since this lawsuit is only for the benefit of white Charlestonians, explain to me the reasoning behind the decision to preclude African Americans from the suit?"
Biley answered, "It's simple. The blacks didn't lose anything. They gained their freedom, while the whites lost their property. I think that is self-evident."
When asked what the city would do if all these plans failed, Biley replied, “Well, we'll just have to cecede . . . I mean, see . . . won't we?”
This reporter is off to sue his parents for raising me as a Methodist, not an Anglican, thus putting me on hold with God, not a direct line.
(For anyone reading this who was educated in the South Carolina Public School System this is satire, not a real news story.)